Transcripted by chamallow35 www.addic7ed.com
Dude, I'm totally feeling it tonight. Watch this.
Like what you see here, ladies? Huh?
You don't like what's up front, I got plenty more in back.
Who enjoys a nice after-sex cry, huh?
Who wants to receive a child support check from me one day, huh?
You want to fuck an American hero or what?
Hey, if you don't want to bone me, say something in fluent Portuguese.
Welcome to secret girlfriend,
the first show starring you.
These are your friends.
This is your ex.
This is the girl you're hiding from your ex.
Secret girlfriend, welcome to your world.
I say we jet. This place is way dead.
Yeah, it's the place.
No, you know what, Sam? You're taking a giant dump in here.
This place needs a mercy flush of the turd that is you.
Tell Phil he doesn't know what he's talking about.
You always take Phil's side. I hate you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. We can leave in a minute.
I just want to say goodbye to her.
She is perfect.
I think I'm in love.
She makes my penis want to be a better penis.
Don't touch the glass. It spooks her.
See, this is what we need.
More girls, you know, trapped.
- By glass. - By glass.
Having a pet hottie would rule.
I'm going in.
I need to know what it's like to live in her world.
No way.
What's he doing?
Nuh-uh.
Hey! What the hell's going on in there?
Get out of there, both of you! Get out of there!
You're fired!
Oh, man, aquarium girl, I am so sorry.
Seriously, we never meant to get you fired.
- It's fine. - No, it's not fine.
We need to make it up to you somehow.
Okay.
Why don't you come work for us?
Doing what?
This was a great idea.
I know. I'm a genius.
Um, it was my idea.
Let's not argue in front of aquarium girl. She's sensitive.
My idea.
And I think our website's getting back the viewers we lost
the night Sam had his dinner in the bathtub.
Jessica? Her smoking hot lesbian roommate?
Kara-okay?
I'm in.
When she hears my Melissa Etheridge, it is over.
What about you, Sammy, you in?
Why? So I can get on stage and sing Grease
on the 1% chance I might get a half-naked girl back on my couch
when I've already got one right here?
Totally. No. You. I'm staying here.
* Comin' round the Mountain when she comes *
* She'll be ridin' six white... * - Shh!
She's coming, she's coming, she's coming.
Surprise!
Hey, guess who's back in town,
- baby. - Oh, my God! Chad!
When did you get in?
Wow. Now we know how many licks it takes to get to the center of Jessica.
A lot of licks.
Okay, so her boyfriend's here tonight.
It's not the end of the world.
I'm sure she'll keep letting you not have sex with her.
Hey.
So I guess that was a little weird for you.
Watching him lick your brain, that was weird for me.
- Jess, you in there? - Oh, hey!
These are those guys that I was telling you about.
Oh! What's up, homes?
Fist bumps-rad.
Oh, I heard a lot about you.
Better watch yourself around my Jess.
I'm just kidding... but I'm not.
All right, I better get back inside.
Guess who's about to get hit by a wall of smash mouth.
All of y'alls!
What are you guys, making out?
Wasabi pea?
I'm headed to the kitchen. Let me grab you another.
Uh, Jess, while you're up, thanks.
I'm not real good with analogies,
but Chad's a lot like an ass.
Hey, you guys should come to the track with me tomorrow.
My boss has a horse running, full VIP treatment.
- Love if you'd come. - Really?
This guy's all right.
What is it about her that makes her so compelling?
Is it the way she sits?
The magazine she reads?
Who are you, aquarium girl?
Did you smoke all my weed?
Just that bag and the one under your pillow.
- The yellow-haired dude said it was cool. - And you stood by and watched.
Hey, is that my meatballs?
No, no, no, no!
My name's Sam,
and it's dirty blond.
This is ed!
I bought a huge tub of meatballs from Costco, and she ate them all.
She's the worst pet ever. We have to get rid of her.
Never! Never.
This is the most tit he's seen in his life. He's delirious.
We gotta get him cleaned up and get him out of here for a couple of hours.
There's no way I'm leaving her. I need to see what happens next.
How do you want to play this?
And here they come,
back and forth, to the pole neck and neck, and it's...
Secret Shade by half a length,
El Presidente places, and Lando Calrissian takes third.
Secret shade by half a length.
Ooh! Jess, you had a lot of nachos.
You might want to go make an appointment with a mint.
Nice, Chad.
Way to embarrass me in front of my friends.
I don't know any of these people.
What do I care?
It's exhausting. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
You don't have a choice, brah.
Girls like Jessica, they don't want to date nice guys. She wants a badass.
- But it's just so not me. - Yeah.
I remember you.
The guy who never got out of the friend zone.
Pretending to be a just to get the girl.
The false, or as I now call it..."the Chad."
It's genius. How'd I never think of that?
Those jeans make your ass look fat.
I'm gonna get you pregnant while you make me dinner.
It needs some tweaks.
I'll get there.
They're both gone.
Phil went out to meet his dealer,
and I sent Sam to San Diego to buy me a fish taco.
He won't be back for at least another four hours.
I need to get you alone.
Look at me.
What do you say?
You want to come in?
Ass!
Okay, here's the deal.
I am gonna forget about what just happened.
I've made mistakes, you've made mistakes, whore!
I know that we can make this work...
Even though we broke up, and we're both screwing other people.
It's destiny.
Oh, thank God you're here.
Dumbass posted our address on the webcam.
Now our place is horn dog central.
It's worth it, Phil.
What if we could get these guys to pay?
20 bucks a head, cash bar?
You need to cast the deciding vote.
Thanks for agreeing to take her back.
You're lucky. Her replacement got deported.
It's for the best, bro.
She's in a better place.
I'll never forget you.
If you guys want to stay, there's a $10 cover.
- See ya. - We're good.
Dude, you had to know the bathroom was wired for webcam.
She was very special to me,
you know that?
How dare you?
This is secret girlfriend. Welcome to your world.
Yo ho, hos. We be pirates.
We been sailin' the seven seas in search of booty.
That's right, mateys. We are...
The butt pirates.
Y'argh, my jolly Roger is at full mast.
Are you guys filming us?
Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
I can't see with this ing eye patch.
- Butt pirates. - Butt pirates.
- How could we have made such a colossal mistake? - Well, I had a great idea of a video about butts,
- and then you had to bring pirates to the table. - We're morons.
We got so blinded by our genius that we completely blanked on what a butt pirate was.
Well, the good news is we're reaching a whole new audience.
Bad news is Sam's something called a bear.
Seriously?
Next time, why don't we leave the videos to me, okay?
Everybody knows that I'm the brains and you're the brawns.
Uh, that would be "the brawn," which makes you neither.
Brawns that, bitch!
What did we say about ketchup? Not in the house!
I hate you!
- I hate your face! - I hate your face!
If we switched faces like in that movie face/off, I'd kill myself!
- Take it back! - No!
Look, Sam is my best friend. I love the guy, but he's a sack of.
Seriously, the man is unlikeable in every way.
No offense, Sammy.
You shouldn't talk to me like that Phillip.
Hey, I've got your pain medicine right here, Sammy. It's on me.
- Can I borrow five bucks? - I don't need your pity beer.
I'm hangin' with some friends later... Jamarcus, Lola, Bree, and Ethan.
- Ha! Really? Uh, just one thing-you don't have any friends. - Yeah, I do.
- Those names are clearly made up. Say 'em again fast, go. - Shut up!
I met them at souplantation.
Oh, I know who you're hangin' with. You named your dong Jamarcus and your balls Lola and Bree.
What about Ethan? Is it possible Sam actually-taint!
- Ethan's your taint! - You! They're real.
Not real.
You're probably wondering what the big news is.
- Chad and I had a long talk and... - My friend Jamarcus loves to talk.
He's a music connoisseur.
Jamarcus says that vinyl sounds better. It doesn't, but he says it does.
- Ja who? - Jamarcus. He's one of Sam's imaginary friends.
Sam, are they here with us right now? Well, look who it is. It's Lola.
- Well, hello-hey, Sammy! - Hey, guys!
- So good to see you, honey. - How are you, sweetheart?
- Good. How are you? - Holy mother of Jamarcus.
- Sam's friends are real. - I swear to God, you get more and more beautiful every time I see you.
Well, I say next time, we tell them to decant the pinot noir.
I mean, I'd do it myself, but I can't decant.
Smart people joke. I'll explain later.
All right. Well, uh, I got a smart person's impression for you, okay?
Stephen Hawking. Hello, Bree. I would like to you.
- You know what I'm talkin' about, Bree? - Don't mind my friend Phil here.
He says it's short for Phillip, but I say it's short for philistine.
That means you're a dum-dum.
So I never got to tell you the big news.
Chad and I had a long talk, and...
I dumped his ass.
Don't celebrate yet. I'm leaving town tomorrow for a week. Sucks, right?
I guess we'll just have to wait a while before we can take things to the next level.
Move! Move!
- What the hell's going on here? - Girls' night.
Grab a chair and get a tall boy.
You're next.
How about partying with 30 lesbians before we do it?
You're next!
Jess?
Come on. Bedtime.
Don't worry. You'll nail her some other time.
Dude, you suck. You went to a lesbo- licious house party and didn't invite me?
You've seen my browser history. You know girl on girl is, like, my thing.
- He's right, man. You should have invited your best friends. - New Sam is right. Not cool.
- Hey, who clogged up the toilet? - Mea culpa.
I have i.b.s. Like a mother.
- Who the hell is this? - Oh, new Sam.
He's the best friend you never were. Fatter, balder, better.
Wait, you're Eddie. Don't you live downstairs with your mom?
That's my, uh, girlfriend. Well, ex-girl... well...
Yes, my name is Eddie.
Why are you wearing my clothes?
Hey, buddy, after what happened in that bathroom, I had to change.
Come on, Eddie, let's go make a video.
- You wouldn't. - Oh, what's the matter?
He's just my new...
friend.
Go.
I don't care.
And the ice machine is just down the hall. And here's your television set
and the minibar. I'll just put your whipped cream in there.
The pool is open 24/7, but the hot tub is closed...
Oh, I see you want to be alone. Uh, if you need anything, just call the main lobby.
They always-just ask for Raymond! Thank you!
Grab that whipped cream and get over here.
Sorry about last night. I fully intend to make it up to you...
Maybe twice.
How hard should it be for two people to have sex?
Okay, I didn't want to have to do this, but...
I say we go old-school in the back seat.
It's so junior year. I love it!
Come on. Hurry up!
Oh, my God. Our parking brake!
Parking brake!
This really sucks.
My flight's in two hours.
We're just gonna have to wait till I get back, huh?
It's better for it to feel right than rushed. But guess what?
It'll be worth the wait.
Okay, enough of this gouda. It's going straight to my Buddha.
Eddie, you're bringing me down.
- New policy. We don't talk about your psoriasis ever. - Psoriasis is a silent killer.
Excuse me. Lola, no double dipping.
Could you get them out of here, please? I will not let Phil ruin my fondue party.
- I'm gonna go stick my dick in the cheese. - No, you're not. Stop doing that.
- Don't move another inch. Don't! Stop! - I'm gonna put it in there. Get some smooth dippin'.
- Stop! Stop! - Got some smooth dippin' to do.
- Stop! - Eddie, get your dick in there!
Dude, you have to come back home... now.
The just hit the fan. It's Sam. He's in big trouble.
Just pick a tone. It doesn't matter which one. Thank God.
Hey, brace yourself. You are not gonna believe what I found out about Sam's friends.
They're evangelists.
Damn it, Eddie, shut your sad hole. You ruin everything.
Look what fell out of Jamarcus' coat while I was rifling through it.
They're trying to convert him. That's the only reason they're hanging out with Sam.
Wow, he's gonna be crushed, like my genitals after the forklift accident.
- I pee in a bag now. - Oh, my God. Shut up.
When you get to the top of k2, the air's real thin, so it's hard to breathe.
- Sam? - It's really scary, you know? Hanging on for your life like that.
Sam?
A word?
Excuse me.
We only tell you this because we care about you.
They don't like you.
- They're Jesus freaks. - Shh! Will you keep it down? You're gonna ruin everything.
- What, you know? - Of course, I know.
They've been wing and dining me all week, so I'd accept Jesus.
They took me to medieval times and dairy queen. It's awesome, and I'm this close to bangin' Bree.
Hey, if you keep your mouth shut, I'll tell Lola you guys are jews.
- They get extra points for that kind of stuff. - Really?
You'd do that after...
everything?
Of course.
Who needs new Sam when I got Sam classic?
Come here, guys.
Back off. I can feel your pee bag.
I'm sorry. I need it.
Dude, we are back. The dynamic duo is back.
We just shot the most genius video ever.
And it was our idea...
- Together. - Together.
We're here at pulaski's bar in the heart of little Poland, and it's ladies' night!
Do you love smokin' poles?
'Cause we love smokin' poles!
- Oh, no. - What?
Transcripted by chamallow35
www.addic7ed.com